Can you see me now, Nana?

Today is the day. I am taking the kids to church.

I have thought about taking the kids to church on and off for about...well...8 years. Usually these thoughts crept into my head after one of two events had occurred:

1) Prior to my Nana passing away, I could count on a visit with her beginning and ending in the same way. That 4'11" ball of fire, wearing a cross the size of her head, would bark, "TRACY JILL! YOU MUST BE TRYING TO TORTURE ME. GET THOSE KIDS TO CHURCH SO I CAN DIE IN PEACE. AND GET ME A DIET COKE, THE BALL GAME IS ON!"

2) An uncomfortable conversation arises with the kids...the kind of conversation that makes me want to throw them in the car, drive to the nearest religious establishment (church, synagogue, wiccan dance circle), drop them off and yell, "HELP! THEY HAVE QUESTIONS!" as I speed away.

Here are a few examples of such conversations:

"What is a 3 letter word for a big boat?"

"Ark"

"What's an ark?"

"Honey, surely you know what an ark is. You know, the story in the bible when Noah loads the pairs of animals..."

"What's a Bible?"

CRAP.

"If Grammy Kristal is in Heaven, I hope we can all go there really soon. Well, after Disney."

GULP.

"In the Berenstain Bears book it said, 'God is always watching' but I am sure even he has to take a vacation. Especially after delivering all those presents with Santa."

UGH.

"Is the Jesus in the hay bed the same as the 'Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?' that you always say?"

JESUS CHRIST. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

And the clincher...

"Mommy, I am sad that EVERYONE else knew Grammy Kristal but me. It's not fair."

WE'RE GOING TO CHURCH TOMORROW. (Followed by an uncomfortable "What's church?" Sheesh. Give me a break, kid.)

So to church we go. The two kids and I are up, we're dressed, and we're ready. Well, they are ready. They have NO IDEA what they are ready for. I have had to clarify that "Nope, there will not a flower girl today" and "Nope, no one died" and "Nope, your father will not be joining us" (I refrained from explaining that their father has some serious objections to organized religion, for example, "People get up there and sing their hearts out and no one even claps" and other deeply rooted theological arguments.)

Off we go. Take note Nana. I hope you have your Diet Coke ready because this could be even better than any (recent) ball game...